Flying Toaster Oven

It’s beenalways been a dream of mine to be a writer.  Not a blogger but a published author.  Then I think about how this book of mine will be around possibly when I’m long dead and gone.  what a shame to think about how I couldnt be around to enjoy my millions of readers.

Ok, I’m exaggerating and it’s wishful thinking but I think all writers and wannabe authors think about this too.  some of us fantasize about being a famous actress or athlete.  Why?  Is is adoration, the money and the attention?  

For me, it’s about being able to express myself and touch and/or inspire others.   Perhaps,offer a glimpse of another culture/lifestyle.  Then there’s the narcisstic side of me that wants to come up with some profound word track that is mine alone and not to be plagiarized. 

just some random thoughts….

What is it with people that have issues with another when that person hasnt done anything harmful, etc.   Is it something we said or remind them of someone?   

speaking from personal experience, i feel the antagonism which is hard to ignore but then again, not worth expounding any energy on, however, I feel compelled to blog about it.   I realize there are people in this world who will just rub you the wrong way.  nothing that person can do to help the situation, they’re unfortunately not going to be respected or liked by you even if you try.  I have been both recipient and giver in this area so I cant be judgmental when it happens to me yet still feel insecure about how or why this is happening.   It could be as simple as being left out for a lunch outing at work or being the last or not being invited at all to a social function.   As I’ve gotten older, it’s not as difficult but it’s more hurtful when you know the other person went out of their way to exclude you.  These are people who are nice to my face (sometimes not or maybe in the past they werent nice at all) however I found a common denominator for all these folks.  They have to be the center of attention. They dont want competition.  I also find that people that feel inadequate themselves will go out of their way to discredit you even if they seem to have it all.  I find myself disappointed in others especially those who seem very privileged while the rest of us strive to get just an inkling of what they have.   I know this person who seems to have been lucky all his life.  he isnt the brightest but for some reason, has moved up the corporate ladder.  I can’t comprehend how or why he keeps getting good opportunities. he’s not even that nice or sincere.   Good looks does play a good part but for once, I would like to see someone (the underdog) get something they deserve.

I also believe that we all get what we deserve.   I’m not talking about victims of serious crimes but that we can complain all we want but if we really didnt like it, we’d do something about it. 

It may not happen overnight, but it can change if we’re willing to try our best and believe in ourselves.   I know this for a fact.  however, it;s still frustrating to try and be the good person and still not get rewarded.  Then when you are rewarded, there are those that want to tear you down or rain on your parade.  

I think I’m done with the dead weight as far as friends go.  I know there are lots of nice people but deep down, they cant be all that nice.   They may act and say the right things but actions speak louder than cheap words spoken or on email.

Lately, I’ve been feeling realluy inadequate.  At work, I need to up my game.  I feel like I’m making errors, having mini panic attacks and then realized I overreacted.  then I start to feel paranoid that they’re all out to get me.  Wouldnt that be so narcissistic of me to think that?! 

Anyway, I’ve been feeling downright stupid and started to wonder about my direction or lack of direction in life.  On the plus side, I’m employed and know a lot of people.  however, that doesnt mean I can get a job anywhere.  I feel really blessed and lucky that I have my job.  I know I have  strong skill set and experience but perhaps, I’m really poor at marketing myself.  I’m too comfortable in my job place mainly for geography and I dislike commuting.   This is a major plus.  With just x amount of minutes to pick up my son and get dinner on the table, i dont see another viable option except work from home.  I heard that being your own boss, you end up working longer and harder.  I just feel hopeless lately about career growth.   It just seems like there are too many barriers.   Should I just keep moving on?  I just dont know at this point.

I’m really understanding how different men and women are.  Yeah yeah, I read Men are from Mars,etc.  but the realization came into fruition more recently with a job assignment.  Gone is the gregarity of women chattering incessantly about everything from their kids to their monthly cycles.  Alas, I’m working with a crew consisting of 95% men with 4 women total serving in an administrative capacity. I am the lone wolf(ess) per se at the same level (perhaps a tad lower since I dont have an engineering background) and I immediately observed how quiet it is.  To add to that, there has been no melodrama that I can think of.  Not to belittl or misrepresent my gender.  There are advantages to women speak vs man talk.  We women can get more detailed in descriptions, feelings, etc. whereas men issue a few sentences and expect us to understand the full context of the communication.  Example: I’m given an assignment (more like issued an order).  Then I’m told that I was already told to add this or that.  I review my notes and nowhere does it state that. I’m a copius and meticulous note taker so I know what I was told.  Now of course, I’m not saying women are better.  These are just general statements.  The plus side to all of this is that I feel the stress level has dissipated.  No drama and no catty remarks. It’s a shame that for all the hardships women endure in their careers that there’s a disproportionate percentage not willing to help their female counterparts.  I think about the “all about Eve” syndrome and how disheartening it is for us women who are not part of the old boy network and cannot garner support from women in power.  We’re not all that competive but just want a larger piece of the pie.(without the calories, of course!)

Quoting lyrics from a song from The Kinks…

I realized today that the older and supposedly wiser I get, I can look back retroactively and realize, Wow what a dummy I was or if that happened to me today , I would handle so much better or much differently.  However, regardless I noticed that I still have the same insecure feelings from before…meaning paranoia and fear cashes in and I have to fight this negative feeling from manifesting all areas of my life.  I think that when the paranoia is not there, I’m fooling myself and it’s a false sense of assurance but that fear is still there.

Then I realized that paranoia stems from distrust of others and their actions.  Why do I think of the worst case scenario and pre-prepare for the worst? Because I dont trust that everyone will pull their own weight or flake out.  I have to keep asking why?  Why? why? 

So the next why is why do i think that people will not follow through?  Perhaps there’s the experience or pattern of having people I trusted who didnt come through for me repetitiously or maybe one traumatic event set it off.  Maybe I read too many weird stories and overanalyze stats like an insurance adjuster.  What if…I fall into that small percentage of folks that are unfortunate,etc.  

It seems that just about every character flaw or personality disorder whatever you want to call it stems from some childhood memory or experience.   I know that for myself that being victimized only made me stronger later and wanting to defend others.  However, i do see other victims not become empowered and rather, they digress or become the perpetrator themselves victimizing others. 

Ihave to wonder what it’s like to be in the inner circle where one grows up priviliged and lives a charmed life, let’s say even a sheltered life. I have to wonder how they deal with bad blows in their life or if they are in denial

I was out of commission for awhile. Work got busy and then I got distracted but I’m back.
I’ve been noticing I’ve been feeling lethargic again. My visit to the doc showed that I was in relatively good health. My cholesterol went down a few points. This must be all the oatmeal i’ve been downing every morning.
There are new challenges ahead career wise. It’s the unknown that makes it both scary and exciting. I think I either got lucky and it was timing or I could be getting screwed over. The positive side of me that has faith in God trusts that it’s a good thing. THe negative side kicks in as a defense mechanism. Dont want to get my hopes up just to have them dashed.
Been reading a lot of fiction, both classic and newer authors. I’ve felt compelled to read business books and even felt guilty for indulging in fiction but I figured some reading is better than noting. I dont want to get caught up in worldly knowledge but I do want to be able to gain insight in other areas as well.